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| God's people are sick.......I can't believe things like this happen. http://www.star-telegram.com/229/story/72556.html But it also amazes me how the victim still radiates God's love everywhere she goes, that really is what I can't believe. (if you didn't know I graduated from castleberry and I was still there when this happened.) | | |
| Well, I thought I would actually get on this thing again and post something.
Things haven't been too good this month, things weren't good this month last year, or even the year before. February is just not good. It's not because of Valentimes day, 2 years ago Mr. Morrison died, last year my grandfather had a heart scare and this year I have been sickly and depressed.
Do you ever just look at yourself and just think "How did I get here?" I am at that point right now. This year that I have been at TWU has been hard on me. I have gained a lot of weight, and I feel so alone all the time. I never thought I would say it but I miss Abilene a lot. Not so much the school, but the people. Don't get me wrong, I love most of the people here in Denton. I just think some of my Abilene friends got who I was better, they understood my odd humor and they realized that when I got annoying it just meant that I needed more attention.
But maybe that's the thing, maybe I just need too much attention and people here in Denton don't have time to give me that much attention. I mean, I quit xanga for a while because no one was leaving me comments. I quit my job because they weren't listening to me.
But in the same respect, there have been times when I have sat in my living room crying with people there and no one even noticed.
I guess I have just gotten to that point where I feel so normal, like there is nothing special to me at all because if there was I would think someone would maybe notice.
But I guess it's hard to notice the silver band that the diamond is set in, or the Supremes next to Diana Ross, or the bouquet of daises next to one of roses, still good but not as great as the other.
Maybe some of you understand what I am getting at when I say that.
I just want to know why a dog would want to go back to an abusive owner who left it on the street to die? Maybe it's just the turkish delight, you can't get enough of it. Maybe yet, it's like when your back really hurts and some one massages it so hard and it hurts, but it hurts in a good way? Like the kinkiness of whips and chains?
I don't get it.
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| Last night Tyler B. came over and we watched t.v. and talked about stuff and he said something about why he doesn't drink and he talked about how God won't tempt you with something that you can't handle. I kinda shoved it off and though nothing of it but about 5 minutes ago it hit me between the eyes, God has never tempted me with anything I couldn't handle and maybe that's why God hasn't tempted me with a nice boyfriend because I can't handle it. Which I find kinda odd because I handled it well in high school, but I guess while I have been in college I am not at a place where I can handle it.
And now that I think about it I really like the fact that God has not tempted me with a boyfriend, I have had so many good friends who left me and everyone else for a silly boy. Personally my motto is girlfriends always before boyfriends and I would be breaking my own motto. I never want to be that girl who can't survive without a boy and I think God doesn't want me to be that girl either.
But I would still like someone to hold hands with at the movies and have great conversations over coffee with................there are some roles that God can't fill first hand, which is why he gave Adam Eve.
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I haven't posted on xanga in several months, I kinda quit
but kept it around. To be honest I really do miss it, but everyone moved to
myspace so I went with the crowd.
I owe xanga a lot. I met Justin by way of xanga and he brought me to singing
oaks and the rest is history.
So, all of the people who are close to me are on here so I figured this was a
safe place to post this poem I wrote the other night. Basically, I went out on
a date with this guy and I was kind of a jerk face to him because it was awkward
and he scared me and this poem just explains it all. (Please excuse the bad English;
I'm just a stupid musician).
Untitled
Every day I wake up and take this pill,
not because I am in anyway ill.
Not so I can go out, party, and have random sex.
My true reason transcends all that mess.
I have a fear that one day I may get raped.
Trapped in some place with out escape.
This crime committed out of hate
causes my love to silently wait.
My trust is only given to few
and when it is broken I always have to start a new
I guess most of the guys my age are out of luck
because I get this feeling that they all just want to fuck
Because there have been times when I just wanted to flirt
and instead I got a wandering hand up my skirt.
For a while I was scared to even go to church
my predator only there did lurch.
He would try so hard to get my alone
but right after church to home I would roam.
I had to cut off my brother and friend
because the thoughts of sex for him would never end.
To him I was just a piece of meat
something for him to devoir and eat.
So for a while that's what I thought myself of
not something God made in heaven above.
To be honest I loved the attention
but the lack of love was something they all failed to mention.
So I locked up my heart and swallowed the key
no other man will ever take advantage of me.
But I locked myself out of all the good things too
like that giddy feeling you get when you think someone likes you.
And I've been really mean to some really nice guys
who only wanted to find out the secrets my soul hides.
But I guess it's life, people hurt you and you get over it.
But right now I'm not too sure if this soul can ever be fixed.
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| I am thinking about getting tattoos on my wrists sometime in the spring. I want to make sure I have thought long and hard before I get them. I want one wrist to have the Hebrew word for hope or faith and the other wrist to have a dove. here are some designs I have been thinking about for my dove.
I kinda like the 2nd one better but I would like to see what you guys think about it and if you maybe know of some other designs that I might like.
But I must talk to the parentals at some point so keep it on the down low in front of them.....I don't feel like getting into an argument about this when I know I can talk to them calmly about it. | | |
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